Learning to listen and then let go

Some weeks back, I started oil painting again after taking an unintentional sabbatical for quite some time. I was able to complete two 36 x 36 pieces in one weekend. I felt pretty uplifted by them both.

And then something happened with the second one I did. The longer I looked at it, the more I become convinced that it wasn't as it was supposed to be. There was an unnatural darkness about it that made me feel uneasy and prompted me to try and make adjustments to help illuminate it. Everything I did only made it worse and spread more darkness over it. My husband tried his best to convince me that I should just let it be and friends of mine gave me plenty of affirmations that is was "pretty good." I wasn't convinced though I ended it quickly by rubbing it down with turpenoid and not even thinking twice about it. I knew that finishing it and then wiping it clean was absolutely essential to the creative process for what this painting would be.

The canvas sat on my easel for a little while longer while I attempted to make something of the painting that I knew deep down was supposed to be happening. I decided to go with some gut instincts and push through on an idea that I could not quiet inside of myself. Ultimately, that idea floundered a few times but every time it did that, the canvas and residual paints that would not wipe away no matter how much turpenoid I put on it, kept revealing a specific structure that I knew was supposed to be the visual armature of the finished piece. At one point I took the canvas off the easel and spent time just rotating it around and around to change my perspective. When I finally saw it, the rest followed and I was able to finish it in probably 5-6 hours flat of active painting.

Here it is...

I didn't time myself so it might have even been four hours total time that it actually took me. That's a 36x36 oil on canvas piece. And while I still definitely consider myself a bit of a novice when it comes to painting and even fine art creation and I doubt whether or not what I am turning out is actually good and not just stupid luck, I still cannot help but feel like this one is pretty OK and I have gotten it right in a little bit of a way.

I don't know what it is about painting for me but there is just nothing like it. Even before I became a believer in Christ Jesus and His gospel, painting has been something that has been truly spiritual for me.    Painting helps me feel like I can transcend whatever I might be grappling with in order for me to feel like I can see it in big-picture view. Painting makes me feel small and even inconspicuous and while that might seem like a bad thing, for me and to me, it's very comforting, calming, and validating.

I have yet to truly understand what all of these new paintings mean just yet but I continue to not be bothered by that fact. Every time I paint - no matter if I am starting one, painting over one, or making the last marks on a piece in order to call it finished - I know that right now in my life, I am doing exactly what I have been called to do. I am exactly where and how I should be.

Heavenly Matter series | Oil on canvas, 36 x 36 inches

The unPlugged version of Art-at-home

Without even realizing or trying to, I realized that I have recently been spending more of my time "unplugged" than ever before. I have put down and away my phone and other electronic devices more than ever and I have spent less time trolling the web. This has allowed for more time to paint, invest myself in creative processing (of all sorts), and spending time with my husband and almost 5 yo daughter. One of the highlights of all of this happened this past weekend when I got the notion to finally put together a fairy garden for my daughter...

My daughter's hand helps to show the charming scale of things in the garden

In the midst of all of the fairy garden dreaming and creating, my husband and I (both pretty much kids-at-heart ourselves) got very VERY carried away and ended up getting so many items for making the garden that we ended up with enough stuff to make TWO very beautiful gardens. We have a really great garden and landscaping store in our area and it was just too difficult to say no to ourselves and all of the incredibly delightful miniature flora!

This is our first one! The previous picture was of our second much larger one. 

While our endeavor into fairy garden making was a bit of an impulse, it worked out OK because we used the funds that we otherwise would have used for piles of easily played with and then forgotten about birthday gifts for my daughter's upcoming birthday. Certainly we could have plunked down the money to get her a pretty hefty handful of the items on her wish list but honestly? My husband and I (both teachers) are always looking for things for my daughter to have for play that promotes more sensory engagement, inquisitive learning and investigation, and promotion of heavy use of the imagination.

We were able to put both gardens together reasonably quickly and my daughter wasted no time pulling her camp chair right up to them to play with them just the way they begged to be played with. They are pretty much living dollhouse type set-ups and she has hardly been able to get enough of either one of them.

The terra cotta planter is the largest we were able to find and the other vessel is a huge half barrel planter.

Another big thing that my husband and I really appreciate about the fairy garden is we feel like they will really teach, promote, and support my daughter learning about creation care and more thoughtful stewardship of our natural environment. We live on the outskirts of the nation's Capitol and are pretty much typical "city people" as things have gone. We are doing our best to be more aware of our impact on the environment though in order to promote greater for it. While I really want to be good at gardening, I have a horrible grey thumb (vs. green thumb) but these fairy gardens being nothing more than container gardens are going to be pretty simple for even me to take care of since the plant life and overall set up with just about no fail. We just have to remember to keep it all very well watered which is something that I know my daughter will be happy to do and not come close to overdoing.

Aerial view of my daughter (the gardener) hard at work and play with the fairies and both gardens

I know that both of these gardens are going to provide endless amounts of play, amusement, and delight for not only my daughter but also my husband and I. From the little bit of research I did about fairy gardening, there are all sorts of ways to keep at it that extend far just taking care of the plants. We will be able to create all sorts of things for it - little trellis structures, bridges, houses, posted signs, etc. - and I am really looking forward to doing that with my whole family this summer.

Taken first thing in the morning.  My daughter woke up and wanted to play in the gardens right away!

This is why I paint and why I should be painting a lot more often

This weekend provided the first opportunities in months for me to really invest some time and paint in my home studio. Here are the fruits of my labor...

Both were done in Gamblin oils on stretched canvases that are 36x36 in size. Both are completely original works for me and this is a huge first for me. Both were also done - start to finish - within less than 48 hours of time. I have no titles for them yet but I am working on that. The inspiration for the subject matter should be obvious enough but largely it is informed by my Christian beliefs and experiences so far in my life. 

Before this last weekend, I would readily admit the fact that I don't paint as often as I should but my reasons for not doing so were not very clear. Obviously I have very little time to paint but after this weekend it's completely evident to me that a tremendous amount of time isn't a major factor when it comes to me producing works of art that are reasonably noteworthy. The real truth of why I don't paint more often I think is much more that I don't trust or believe in myself and my abilities or visions fully or even partially. So when I don't paint? This is me just reaffirming (in action) my lack of belief in myself as a visual artist. 

In extension from the above, painting is also something that - when I do it, like, really fully invest myself - is when I feel closest to God. Seriously. There is no other experience that I have ever had in all of my life where I feel more close to God than when I am covered in oily paints and brushing color on surfaces at the easel. I'm not sure why this is but I suspect it is because I firmly believe that the Lord God is the ultimate creator from which creativity and creation originally began and so when I am seeking to imitate Him, that's when I feel the most like I am (essentially) in an apprenticeship with Him alone. 

No matter what I might ever present here on my website, there are very few things I am certain or confident about...

• Whether my personal studies and finished works in visual art are actually any good
• If I am good and/or how good I am at teaching art

I am learning to be certain of one sure thing though and it's that I want to be closer to God more than I want to be apart from Him and that could be the very reason why painting makes me feel the way it does and why I should be doing it way more often than I do. While this truth has been slow coming, I really really am getting it finally and I know this will really transform me not only as a teacher of visual art but even more as a working visual artist. 

My secret about how I "do it all" is...

Here it is: I don't.

Yesterday, was mother's day for mothers the world over (including me) but I wasn't celebrating it because I had to travel hours out of state to a funeral. Yesterday, I also had to finish up another graduate studies course for my MAT program that is still at least a full calendar year from being able to be completely finished and today starts yet another class. Yesterday, I also had to do various other things like inventorying my current textbooks so that I could have them ready to sell to fellow grad students and while this seems like a minor task, it's actually not - at least if you want to actually make money off of the books rather than just selling them back for a pittance. The day before yesterday (so, Saturday), I was up before 6am to help my husband with a major event he was helping to spearhead at the school where he teaches and after that I had 3+ hours of school work (for the class that officially ended yesterday). I also spent 7+ hours dealing with an issue affecting both my husband's phone and my phone that basically was rendering our phones as very fancy paperweights. Attending to the issue required one very involved trip to an Apple store and another very involved trip to the cell phone store that ended up derailed for reasons way beyond my control and I ended up eating some delicious frozen yogurt instead while on the phone for a third time that day with a customer service rep for the cell phone network I am on.

Here's something you should have noted in all of the above that is only really a typical (seriously) two days of my life beyond blogging here: I did not once mention cooking OR cleaning. For this I am not necessarily proud and I won't say I didn't clean or cook at all (because it happened partially in the midst of everything) but for the most part? It was hardly a priority. Another thing that was very much a priority but just plain wasn't mentioned was my my almost five year old daughter. She was attended to plenty I just really don't remember how, what, and when I did for her amidst all of the... well, everything that I did.

Some weeks ago I was checking into Pinterest (I do this sporadically when I need to rest my brain mostly) and I stumbled upon this from CraftSnark.com...

source

It made me laugh so hard because it is absolutely the truth! Because here's the thing, even if I didn't have teaching full-time, graduate school full-time, and being a wife and mother to a young child, my life would still likely be exactly as the above describes. And this is because I would end up indulging my creative inspirations, spurts, and seeking to satisfy my wandering curiosities a whole heck of a lot more than I would be making and keeping up a well-oiled and tidy household.

Anyway, I know all of this is pretty unrelated to this blog and everything and I know that I haven't been blogging lately but I just wanted to pop on here and let you know that while all of the aforementioned applies still to any given day of my life, I am working on getting some content on here to be published soon enough. In the past week since I have been not actively publishing fresh content, I have had so many hits and connections made to this site and I am so grateful that you all are finding what you need AND liking it enough to keep coming back for more. I suspect that many of you are art educators because that's what my stat counter indicates you are more often than not and I want to encourage you all to never hesitate to contact me with any questions or comments about what is posted here so that it is useful to and for you! This is the whole point of this site afterall.

And that's basically it for now at least. School is wrapping up for me over the coming three weeks and this week is actually my last one with this year's graduating seniors so their grades are due and I am definitely behind on that. I can hardly believe that another school year has gone by and I hope it has been good and fun for you all, my fellow art teachers, bloggers, and creatives.

See you in a bit (though I can't commit to exactly when that will be) with some stuff other than just explanations of why I can't actually be here. Thank you again for continuing to bear with me.

Right now I am swamped. Please stand by

I am right at the end of a very labor intensive graduate class and also drawing closer to the end of the school year. To say I am incredibly busy and not able to keep up with fresh content here would be a gross understatement. So? Give me a moment or two and I will be back up and running with things shortly. Thanks!